So.....i have been single for a while now. Had a stint with a guy for a little while last year. But that is a story for another post. Back to present: been single for a while but have been talking to someone i met a few weeks ago.
I was organizing a surprise for a friend and his company was providing one of the services for the surprise. We had been discussing the details back and forth on the phone during the days leading up to the surprise. All the conversations were professional up until the day of the surprise itself. About an hour before the event, he calls to inform me of some issues at his company that might delay him being able to provide the services. Of course this annoys me but i maintain my professional calm and explain to him that it is imperative that he 'get his act together'. He assures me that he is going to do his utmost best to ensure that all goes according to plan. Just i am about to hang out he tells me that i have a 'nice voice'. I thank him for the compliment (my momma raised me right )....and don't really see any reason to elaborate.
He on the other hand continues to ask questions of a personal nature to which i give short answers to.
Him: so are you single?
Me: No, i am Fed Up
Him: so does that mean you are single?
Me: Like i said, i am fed up.
Him: Wow i cant believe your single. (o_O)
The conversation goes on with him saying that he is in the stage of his life where he is 'looking' again and would like to get to know me. I am hesitant at first but the i remember a friend saying to me a while back that i shouldn't shun men simply because i have been hurt in the past. So i eventually i agree to go out to dinner with him.
Now this guy is a complete departure from the men i have dated and been with in the past. He is a big guy, and by big i mean he is overweight. At this point, i was confronted with my superficial side. All my life i have made it a point to not be superficial and judgmental about people. But now i was being both of those things. In the week leading up to our dinner date i found myself thinking about reasons why i couldn't see myself with him even if we hit it off. I hated myself for siting his weight as one of those reasons. It's at this point in time that i decided to face the mirror ineptly and ask myself 'What do i really want'.
Prior to speaking to this man i was in the oh so familiar rut of the single woman. Wishing that i had a man, wanting to be in a relationship and all that jazz. Now here is a man who has made it clear that he is looking for a relationship. No player status, no lines, just an honest person making his wishes know honestly and clearly. And yet i found myself hesitant. Because i refuse to be shallow i dug deeper to figure out what was going on with me.
After long introspect, a dinner date with enlightening conversation and further observations about this guy and myself i have come to this conclusion: I don't really want a relationship. And in particular i don't want the type of relationship he is looking for.
He wants to have more children and have the family life. He has expressed his desire to be a family man and wants to be married and have the whole shebang. I on the other hand am not certain (90%) that i want more children and am not sure i want this type of family life. I am pretty contented with the way i am at the moment. I have a good job, a 12-year old son who is awesome and the relative freedom to live my life the way i please.
Am i wrong for shutting down this mans advances? I don't think so. At least not for how i see my future relationship. I don't really fancy going back into the 'diaper phase' the 'terrible two's' and the kiddie birthday parties. I am finally at a stage in parenting where my child is pretty much self sufficient and i can sleep longer then 5am . Perhaps it is selfish but that is the way i feel now.
I haven't relayed this to the man in question yet. (haven't been in contact with him that often over the week and don't think it is appropriate to do this over the phone). But i will be doing so when we meet for drinks later this week.
Though i hated the phase of superficiality, i am happy that i was confronted with it. If i hadn't sat down and thought about it, i would have never realized that i am just not ready for a relationship and all it entails.
Mystic.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Ovia Osese
Wow......how beautiful we women are. How talented we are together. How incredibly uplifting a circle of women can be. I am all inspired and at peace after the V.M rehearsal from tonight.
Tonight, Bola Badego came in to teach us several Nigerian songs and the accompanying dances. The songs are part of the Ovia Osese festival in Nigeria. This is a festival that celebrates young girls becoming women. It is the climax of long preparations of young maidens. Their rites of passage. In the town where Bola came from (the name escapes me right now) girls start to be initiated into womanhood at the age of 9 by elder women. From the this age till they are about 12 or 13 the girls are trained and groomed in the aspects of being a woman. Their bodies, how to take care of their husbands later and their families. The Ovia Osese Festival is the final step into womanhood for these maidens as they are called.
On the day of the Osese, the maidens dance and sing traditional songs in a large field to signify their coming of age. The girls are adorned in many beads around their necks, and in their headdress. Traditionally the girls would be bare chested with only a cloth around their waist. But as times have changed they now cover their breasts as well. On their ankles they where a band that makes a sound when they stomp their feet.
It was quite an experience to learn these songs and the dances. What an absolutely beautiful ritual. When all the women started to sing together it was truly awesome. The hair stood up on the back of your neck. It was like singing something that u had always known but never sang out loud. And when we started dancing and singing along.....wow!. Picture 24 women dancing and stomping their feet while singing in a language none of us spoke. Though Bola had put the translations into the text, it somehow didn't matter. We sang the songs anyway. As if we spoke the language fluently. Of course we have been westernized so our singing sounded like that too. But when Bola sang......what a difference. My entire perception of musical sound changed. Her voice and the way she pronounced the words was fascinating to listen to. It was like having a tiny piece of Africa right in front of your very eyes.
I cant wait to perform this particular part of the V.M. What and awe inspiring and uplifting moment that will be. For us who are performing as well as the audience.
Mystic
Tonight, Bola Badego came in to teach us several Nigerian songs and the accompanying dances. The songs are part of the Ovia Osese festival in Nigeria. This is a festival that celebrates young girls becoming women. It is the climax of long preparations of young maidens. Their rites of passage. In the town where Bola came from (the name escapes me right now) girls start to be initiated into womanhood at the age of 9 by elder women. From the this age till they are about 12 or 13 the girls are trained and groomed in the aspects of being a woman. Their bodies, how to take care of their husbands later and their families. The Ovia Osese Festival is the final step into womanhood for these maidens as they are called.
On the day of the Osese, the maidens dance and sing traditional songs in a large field to signify their coming of age. The girls are adorned in many beads around their necks, and in their headdress. Traditionally the girls would be bare chested with only a cloth around their waist. But as times have changed they now cover their breasts as well. On their ankles they where a band that makes a sound when they stomp their feet.
It was quite an experience to learn these songs and the dances. What an absolutely beautiful ritual. When all the women started to sing together it was truly awesome. The hair stood up on the back of your neck. It was like singing something that u had always known but never sang out loud. And when we started dancing and singing along.....wow!. Picture 24 women dancing and stomping their feet while singing in a language none of us spoke. Though Bola had put the translations into the text, it somehow didn't matter. We sang the songs anyway. As if we spoke the language fluently. Of course we have been westernized so our singing sounded like that too. But when Bola sang......what a difference. My entire perception of musical sound changed. Her voice and the way she pronounced the words was fascinating to listen to. It was like having a tiny piece of Africa right in front of your very eyes.
I cant wait to perform this particular part of the V.M. What and awe inspiring and uplifting moment that will be. For us who are performing as well as the audience.
Mystic
Monday, February 11, 2008
The 'love list'
In my last post i mentioned that i was compiling a 'love list'. Sort of my special order to the Universe for a love interest. To some this might sound desperate, and maybe it is. But I am at a point in my life where i don't want to 'settle' for someone anymore just for the sake of a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with substance; one where i can move forward with the person instead of trying to accommodate the person for the sake of keeping peace. When i started the list I wasn't making any progress because i was compiling it on an intellectual level. After my 'aha' moment (courtesy of a conversation with my cuz) i decided to start all over again. This list would have to be compiled from the desires of my heart. What i needed in a relationship and from the person as well.
So last nite, equipped with the laptop i started on my new list. It is absolutely true when people say that things flow when they come from the heart. Within minutes i had listed 20 things. Whereas before i couldn't get past 8. Within 45 minutes i had listed over 50 things. (the list is supposed to be at least 100). I was amazed at how easily i was compiling the list. I had to eventually stop because it was way past midnight. (i started with the list around 11.30). I found myself listing all kinds of stuff that i hadn't previously thought of or considered to be an option for me. Its interesting to see how things can just go rapidly once you tap into the core of who you. This is truly the place where your higher conscious resides.
When i finally lay down in my bed i was still thinking about all kinds of things i could put on the list. In my mind i had completed the 100 points and even surpassed this number. What a liberating feeling to have tapped into my higher conscious. It had been a while since i had done that. Of course the list was nowhere near complete but i was on the right track. As i was dozing off i remember being all excited about finishing the list and releasing it to the universe and letting go of those pent up 'wishes'. Just letting go off those 50 points gave me a small sense of peace.
Today i had to attend a workshop. I got into the workshop a little late and kind of sneaked in, mumbling my excuses. When i had finally settled into my seat, i looked up to see who was leading the workshop. What a pleasant surprise........the man talking was absolute 'eye candy'. Wow! i had forgotten about the good work that the Lord does. :). Of course being a single woman confronted with 'eye candy', i did a quick scan of his hands to see if there was a wedding band. There was none. But i didn't rejoice at this, for there are many men who are in relationships and just not married. And i simply could not believe that this man would be single. Then i started to wonder if the universe was working in overtime to grant me my request. Slight panic...i mean....how could the universe grant a request when it was half formulated. And after all i knew nothing about this man except that he was good looking, funny, intelligent and seemingly sane. (observing people and making personality assessments are intricate parts of my job).
I had to stop myself from this thinking though. Actually i reprimanded myself. What on earth was wrong with me? Had my overt desire and 'desperation' (i use this term loosely) for a relationship gone of the deep end?. Then i started obsessing about that fact. That i always seem to do that when i see someone with potential. So to stop myself from going overboard and subsequently missing the whole point of the workshop, i started rationalizing the situation.
Now for me, rationalizing in this type of situation usually means that i start to take myself out of the equation. I started to look around in the room at some of my other single colleagues who i am sure had also noticed the things i had noticed about the man. The i proceeded to talk myself out of being worthy enough to be noticed, because i started to compare myself. 'he wont even notice me because so and so has a great sense of fashion. i mean look how she is dressed.' OR 'so and so has a beautiful face and carries herself extremely well even though she is full figured. and besides who could resist an ass like hers. (its huge)'. After a while of doing this i realized what i was doing. I was already putting myself down, taking myself out of the equation in a HYPOTHETICAL situation. I mean really!!! we were at a workshop. The man is there to work, not to find a date. And there is certainly no need to put myself down because i am positive that i have great qualities and am just as attractive as anyone else in the room.
I seem to do this every time i see someone i like or who sparks my interest. I sabotage myself before anything has even happened. Subsequently i am employing the law of attraction to bring forth disappointment. And that is when it hit me......another 'Aha' moment. My train of thought in these situations, create negative expectations that are bound to be manifested. Not to mention that i have an overactive imagination. I realized that i desired to be in a relationship more then i had been willing to admit. Hmm........food for thought again. I certainly don't want to become one of those women who are so desperate for love and attention that it is written all over their face.
Like the title of my blog states....i am going through the phases of my own uniquity. And with that comes introspect, admittance and new choices on how to handle things. Its great to know that you can choose a different option. But it is even greater to go through the process and grow from it. yayyyy me. I am not out of the woods yet, but i am definitely learning how to build a 'path to the clearing' without having to worry that it will be erased.
I will be working some more on the list tonight. This time with an even deeper sense of self and consciousness. Should be interesting to see what other things my heart desire brings forth.
Mystic
So last nite, equipped with the laptop i started on my new list. It is absolutely true when people say that things flow when they come from the heart. Within minutes i had listed 20 things. Whereas before i couldn't get past 8. Within 45 minutes i had listed over 50 things. (the list is supposed to be at least 100). I was amazed at how easily i was compiling the list. I had to eventually stop because it was way past midnight. (i started with the list around 11.30). I found myself listing all kinds of stuff that i hadn't previously thought of or considered to be an option for me. Its interesting to see how things can just go rapidly once you tap into the core of who you. This is truly the place where your higher conscious resides.
When i finally lay down in my bed i was still thinking about all kinds of things i could put on the list. In my mind i had completed the 100 points and even surpassed this number. What a liberating feeling to have tapped into my higher conscious. It had been a while since i had done that. Of course the list was nowhere near complete but i was on the right track. As i was dozing off i remember being all excited about finishing the list and releasing it to the universe and letting go of those pent up 'wishes'. Just letting go off those 50 points gave me a small sense of peace.
Today i had to attend a workshop. I got into the workshop a little late and kind of sneaked in, mumbling my excuses. When i had finally settled into my seat, i looked up to see who was leading the workshop. What a pleasant surprise........the man talking was absolute 'eye candy'. Wow! i had forgotten about the good work that the Lord does. :). Of course being a single woman confronted with 'eye candy', i did a quick scan of his hands to see if there was a wedding band. There was none. But i didn't rejoice at this, for there are many men who are in relationships and just not married. And i simply could not believe that this man would be single. Then i started to wonder if the universe was working in overtime to grant me my request. Slight panic...i mean....how could the universe grant a request when it was half formulated. And after all i knew nothing about this man except that he was good looking, funny, intelligent and seemingly sane. (observing people and making personality assessments are intricate parts of my job).
I had to stop myself from this thinking though. Actually i reprimanded myself. What on earth was wrong with me? Had my overt desire and 'desperation' (i use this term loosely) for a relationship gone of the deep end?. Then i started obsessing about that fact. That i always seem to do that when i see someone with potential. So to stop myself from going overboard and subsequently missing the whole point of the workshop, i started rationalizing the situation.
Now for me, rationalizing in this type of situation usually means that i start to take myself out of the equation. I started to look around in the room at some of my other single colleagues who i am sure had also noticed the things i had noticed about the man. The i proceeded to talk myself out of being worthy enough to be noticed, because i started to compare myself. 'he wont even notice me because so and so has a great sense of fashion. i mean look how she is dressed.' OR 'so and so has a beautiful face and carries herself extremely well even though she is full figured. and besides who could resist an ass like hers. (its huge)'. After a while of doing this i realized what i was doing. I was already putting myself down, taking myself out of the equation in a HYPOTHETICAL situation. I mean really!!! we were at a workshop. The man is there to work, not to find a date. And there is certainly no need to put myself down because i am positive that i have great qualities and am just as attractive as anyone else in the room.
I seem to do this every time i see someone i like or who sparks my interest. I sabotage myself before anything has even happened. Subsequently i am employing the law of attraction to bring forth disappointment. And that is when it hit me......another 'Aha' moment. My train of thought in these situations, create negative expectations that are bound to be manifested. Not to mention that i have an overactive imagination. I realized that i desired to be in a relationship more then i had been willing to admit. Hmm........food for thought again. I certainly don't want to become one of those women who are so desperate for love and attention that it is written all over their face.
Like the title of my blog states....i am going through the phases of my own uniquity. And with that comes introspect, admittance and new choices on how to handle things. Its great to know that you can choose a different option. But it is even greater to go through the process and grow from it. yayyyy me. I am not out of the woods yet, but i am definitely learning how to build a 'path to the clearing' without having to worry that it will be erased.
I will be working some more on the list tonight. This time with an even deeper sense of self and consciousness. Should be interesting to see what other things my heart desire brings forth.
Mystic
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The law of attraction......
My cousin Chantal aka Chayil is one of the most inspirational and strong women i know. She faces alot of adversity with her illness but yet she still prevails. Her ability to stay 'on top of things' inspite of all that happens to her is truly inspiring. As are her words of wisdom and her advice.
Over the years i have learned alot from her, gotten my ass properly kicked when it was needed and truly formed a close friendship with her. Whenever i have questions, she always willing to listen and give me sound advice. In a world of chaotic subliminal messages and nonsense-sayers she along with my mother and a few others represent sanity and the sheer awesomeness of being a woman.
Today's conversation with my cousin started out like most others. Little did i know that it would turn out to be so inspirational and 'aha' moment inspiring. We hadnt spoken in a about a week. Which is a departure from our daily chit chat routine. But hey.....sometimes life interupts. Somewhere in the midst of our chitchatting we stumbled onto the more serious topics.
We started talking bout the law of attraction. You know, the phenomenon that was brought to the worlds attention by 'The secret'. I had seen the dvd a while back and had started to try the technique. But i abandoned it because it didnt seem to work. Little did i know that i had been practicing the secret at crucial points in my life, not knowing that it was the law of attraction at work.
At different points in my life, i voiced and intense desire for something and then just 'let it go'. The universe listened and manifested these things in my life at the right moment. When i first moved to holland, i would pass by this appartment building everyday. I loved the appartments and would say to myself 'one day i will live there'. And sure enough, years later, i was living in that very same building. Some other things happened in my life that i had fervently wished for, but i never attributed it to the law of attraction. Whenever they would manifest i would declare that i must have had a psychic moment or something. But when i saw 'the secret', i realized what i had been doing.
Sometime last year i declared that i wanted to get back into singing and that i wanted to dance again. I expressed, to no-one in particular, that i wanted to perform again. As the law of attraction states, every thought is sent out into the universe and sooner or later, if the request is pure and true, the universe will grant it. And sure enough, this year that request has been honoured by the universe. I wanted to start singing and dancing again; subsequently i have been casted in a musical, am taking part in the 'Vagina Monologue's' , and am singing to a choreography of two dances for a dance show by a renowned dance school on the island. Hmm.....the saying 'be carefull what u ask for ' is really true.
While i was telling my cousin this, i remembered an Oprah show this past week where the law of attraction was discussed. Part of the show was about making a 'love list'. One of the ladies on the show (i forget her name) talked about attracting the love you want in your life by asking the universe. Sort of like special ordering your mate from the universe. To facilitate your request, one would have to make a 'love list'. She refered to a woman who's story is featured in the 'O' magazine. The woman listed 100 qualities that she wanted a man to have and then put the list away for safekeeping. A couple of years later, she met a man who fit almost all of the things she had listed. Equipped with this 'magical' knowledge i decided to make my own 'love list'. I figured, 'What the hey. I am not having much luck finding someone at this moment, so i might as well special order 'him' from the universe.'
So there i was.....equipped with laptop...(writing wasnt going to do it for me this time) ready to list 100 things in a man that i would want. I had to list these things and be specific. So i knew i had to elaborate. But as i sat behind the laptop i was having a hard time listing things. I began to question myself about my desire to be in a relationship. I had listed some stuff.....but i couldnt get past 8 things. When i showed my cousin the list.......she instantly told me she had already added about 7 other things to the list. When i read what she had written i realized that what i had been writing down was totally not what i needed in my life, or my sons life for that matter. I had been making my list based on past experiences and fears of being hurt. That would never work. And if i had continued it i would have been ordering another disaster in my life.
My brilliant cousin then told me something that switched on the lightbulb in my head. The 'aha' moment so to speak. She told me to 'list the things from my hearts desire'. And that is when it hit me. I wasnt in tune with my hearts desire. I was operating on an intellectual basis. To give an example: i had listed that i wanted someone intelligent and gave some specifications to it. But my cousin pointed out that i could meet someone intelligent who could use that intelligence to manipulate and degrade me. (this had happened before). Now...this is one of the things she added: 'a man who loves children and will accept and love your son as much as you do'. When i read this and some of the other qualities she listed...i was floored. How could i not have seen these things? How could i not have asked for these things ?
Needless to say, i erased what i had....and am now back to square 1. But this time i dont mind, because i know i will be making this list from the heart. And who knows.....the universe might hear me and grant me my 'special order'. :)
Mystic.
Over the years i have learned alot from her, gotten my ass properly kicked when it was needed and truly formed a close friendship with her. Whenever i have questions, she always willing to listen and give me sound advice. In a world of chaotic subliminal messages and nonsense-sayers she along with my mother and a few others represent sanity and the sheer awesomeness of being a woman.
Today's conversation with my cousin started out like most others. Little did i know that it would turn out to be so inspirational and 'aha' moment inspiring. We hadnt spoken in a about a week. Which is a departure from our daily chit chat routine. But hey.....sometimes life interupts. Somewhere in the midst of our chitchatting we stumbled onto the more serious topics.
We started talking bout the law of attraction. You know, the phenomenon that was brought to the worlds attention by 'The secret'. I had seen the dvd a while back and had started to try the technique. But i abandoned it because it didnt seem to work. Little did i know that i had been practicing the secret at crucial points in my life, not knowing that it was the law of attraction at work.
At different points in my life, i voiced and intense desire for something and then just 'let it go'. The universe listened and manifested these things in my life at the right moment. When i first moved to holland, i would pass by this appartment building everyday. I loved the appartments and would say to myself 'one day i will live there'. And sure enough, years later, i was living in that very same building. Some other things happened in my life that i had fervently wished for, but i never attributed it to the law of attraction. Whenever they would manifest i would declare that i must have had a psychic moment or something. But when i saw 'the secret', i realized what i had been doing.
Sometime last year i declared that i wanted to get back into singing and that i wanted to dance again. I expressed, to no-one in particular, that i wanted to perform again. As the law of attraction states, every thought is sent out into the universe and sooner or later, if the request is pure and true, the universe will grant it. And sure enough, this year that request has been honoured by the universe. I wanted to start singing and dancing again; subsequently i have been casted in a musical, am taking part in the 'Vagina Monologue's' , and am singing to a choreography of two dances for a dance show by a renowned dance school on the island. Hmm.....the saying 'be carefull what u ask for ' is really true.
While i was telling my cousin this, i remembered an Oprah show this past week where the law of attraction was discussed. Part of the show was about making a 'love list'. One of the ladies on the show (i forget her name) talked about attracting the love you want in your life by asking the universe. Sort of like special ordering your mate from the universe. To facilitate your request, one would have to make a 'love list'. She refered to a woman who's story is featured in the 'O' magazine. The woman listed 100 qualities that she wanted a man to have and then put the list away for safekeeping. A couple of years later, she met a man who fit almost all of the things she had listed. Equipped with this 'magical' knowledge i decided to make my own 'love list'. I figured, 'What the hey. I am not having much luck finding someone at this moment, so i might as well special order 'him' from the universe.'
So there i was.....equipped with laptop...(writing wasnt going to do it for me this time) ready to list 100 things in a man that i would want. I had to list these things and be specific. So i knew i had to elaborate. But as i sat behind the laptop i was having a hard time listing things. I began to question myself about my desire to be in a relationship. I had listed some stuff.....but i couldnt get past 8 things. When i showed my cousin the list.......she instantly told me she had already added about 7 other things to the list. When i read what she had written i realized that what i had been writing down was totally not what i needed in my life, or my sons life for that matter. I had been making my list based on past experiences and fears of being hurt. That would never work. And if i had continued it i would have been ordering another disaster in my life.
My brilliant cousin then told me something that switched on the lightbulb in my head. The 'aha' moment so to speak. She told me to 'list the things from my hearts desire'. And that is when it hit me. I wasnt in tune with my hearts desire. I was operating on an intellectual basis. To give an example: i had listed that i wanted someone intelligent and gave some specifications to it. But my cousin pointed out that i could meet someone intelligent who could use that intelligence to manipulate and degrade me. (this had happened before). Now...this is one of the things she added: 'a man who loves children and will accept and love your son as much as you do'. When i read this and some of the other qualities she listed...i was floored. How could i not have seen these things? How could i not have asked for these things ?
Needless to say, i erased what i had....and am now back to square 1. But this time i dont mind, because i know i will be making this list from the heart. And who knows.....the universe might hear me and grant me my 'special order'. :)
Mystic.
Good day.....
Today was an awesome day. I didnt expect it to be as great as it turned out. That is the great thing about not having any expectations. I went to rehearsals for the Vagina monologue and it turned out to be a really wonderful experience. I wasnt sure i wanted to continue wiht the production because i was having trouble attending the rehearsals. They are at nite...and i dont always have a baby sitter for my son. In addition i had missed a whole week of rehearsals due to dengue fever. So i was really behind. But all my objections to taking part were wiped away during the session today.
The producer and choreographer, Clara, decided to do someting different today. We all sat in a circle and gave a little background information about ourselves. It was fantastic to hear the stories behind these women. Some talked about their experiences and what led them to the production in great lenghts. Others (like myself) gave a brief summary. Clara was rite on when she explained that knowing the background of the women would strenghten the bond in the production.
We women are amazing and soooooooooo much stronger then we give ourselves credit for. Most of the women in the cast are mothers and a vast mayority are single parents. There are 2 lesbians in the group. Other women are older and exude wisdom and a great deal of the women are very talented dancers. A grand variety of women and all of us are colaborating to bring forth a production about the power of women. More importantly the power of the Vagina.
For anyone who is familiar with the 'Vagina Monologue's' , they know that it isnt about degrading the female genetalia but about talking candidly and openly about an element of the female anotomy that has been taboo for so long. The hiding of it, not discussing of it and practically ignoring of it has led to women doing and experiencing so many negative things. Eve Ensler , the author of the book, opened a pandora;s box of emotions and stories with her book. The interviews with so many women about their vagina's was enlightening. And now the book has inspired a worldwide movement of V.M. productions.
My sister was the catalyst behind this production. She read the book, called up a friend after it and said 'we should do this production'. That got the ball rolling and they got two other people on board. Amoungst them Clara Reyes. She is a truly awesome creative force. Her energy, creativity, vision and choreography are making this production something to be reckoned for. This production will be part of an ongoing production called 'In the company of women'.
I am truly blessed that i am part of rhis production. It is exactly what i need at this point in my life. My journey to me was kind of being stagnated due to doubts, insecurities and self esteem issues. Though i am more active then i have been in years, i am also facing some aspects of myself i had buried away. But becuase this is a production that is about liberating and uplifting women i am working through my issues with myself slowly but surely. With each rehearsal, i get a little more comfortable in my skin again. I compare myself less and less to the women around me...and do my own thing. I guess some of the insecurity comes from the fact that i am lagging behind in the dances due to my absence. And sometimes i get intimidated by the voices around me. Some of these women can really sing!. And some of these women are just natural performers.
This production and the musical i am also part of require me to give my all in singing and dancing. But i am continously battling myself. I sing but i hold back, i dance but i hold back, i act but i hold back. And i have absolutly no clue why i am doing that. I do have theories but none of them conclusive and certainly not solution based.
*sigh*.....i have a long way to go...and i better get my act together quick....because the premieres to these productions will wait on no-one. But the good thing is that i am working through my things consciously and am having 'aha' moments along the way. Today was definetly one of those days. The one after the other 'aha' moment. Partly inspired by the V.M. rehearsal and by my cousin Chayil. Bless her heart! (the 'aha' moments inspired by chayil are in another post).
Mystic
The producer and choreographer, Clara, decided to do someting different today. We all sat in a circle and gave a little background information about ourselves. It was fantastic to hear the stories behind these women. Some talked about their experiences and what led them to the production in great lenghts. Others (like myself) gave a brief summary. Clara was rite on when she explained that knowing the background of the women would strenghten the bond in the production.
We women are amazing and soooooooooo much stronger then we give ourselves credit for. Most of the women in the cast are mothers and a vast mayority are single parents. There are 2 lesbians in the group. Other women are older and exude wisdom and a great deal of the women are very talented dancers. A grand variety of women and all of us are colaborating to bring forth a production about the power of women. More importantly the power of the Vagina.
For anyone who is familiar with the 'Vagina Monologue's' , they know that it isnt about degrading the female genetalia but about talking candidly and openly about an element of the female anotomy that has been taboo for so long. The hiding of it, not discussing of it and practically ignoring of it has led to women doing and experiencing so many negative things. Eve Ensler , the author of the book, opened a pandora;s box of emotions and stories with her book. The interviews with so many women about their vagina's was enlightening. And now the book has inspired a worldwide movement of V.M. productions.
My sister was the catalyst behind this production. She read the book, called up a friend after it and said 'we should do this production'. That got the ball rolling and they got two other people on board. Amoungst them Clara Reyes. She is a truly awesome creative force. Her energy, creativity, vision and choreography are making this production something to be reckoned for. This production will be part of an ongoing production called 'In the company of women'.
I am truly blessed that i am part of rhis production. It is exactly what i need at this point in my life. My journey to me was kind of being stagnated due to doubts, insecurities and self esteem issues. Though i am more active then i have been in years, i am also facing some aspects of myself i had buried away. But becuase this is a production that is about liberating and uplifting women i am working through my issues with myself slowly but surely. With each rehearsal, i get a little more comfortable in my skin again. I compare myself less and less to the women around me...and do my own thing. I guess some of the insecurity comes from the fact that i am lagging behind in the dances due to my absence. And sometimes i get intimidated by the voices around me. Some of these women can really sing!. And some of these women are just natural performers.
This production and the musical i am also part of require me to give my all in singing and dancing. But i am continously battling myself. I sing but i hold back, i dance but i hold back, i act but i hold back. And i have absolutly no clue why i am doing that. I do have theories but none of them conclusive and certainly not solution based.
*sigh*.....i have a long way to go...and i better get my act together quick....because the premieres to these productions will wait on no-one. But the good thing is that i am working through my things consciously and am having 'aha' moments along the way. Today was definetly one of those days. The one after the other 'aha' moment. Partly inspired by the V.M. rehearsal and by my cousin Chayil. Bless her heart! (the 'aha' moments inspired by chayil are in another post).
Mystic
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The many categories of men
Ok...so we have known for quite some time (eternity actually) that men are a totally different species from women. If u are suprised to read this...then chances are u have been living in a cave for the past millenia.
I am not making this statement based on a recent discovery. Its something i have known all along. But i tend to want to state the obvious when an experience(s) baffles me into re-affirmation of my belief.
As a woman...a heterosexual woman.....it goes without saying that i am in frequent contact with men. (pls take your mind out of the gutter...i dont sleep with everyman i speak to). Now before i continue.....let me put up the following disclaimer: I am well aware of the fact that not ALL men are complete idiots, fools, nonsensical beings worthy of the title village idiot or Hellspawn. But lawd gawd .....a vast majority of them fall into one or all of those categories.
Over the years i have made my own assesment of certain groups of men. Bear in mind that this is my own categorization based on my own experiences. However i am sure somebody reading this can relate to some of it.
*The Lights are on but nobody is home
I have met a couple of these types of guys. And before you even go 'Awww.....dont be like that to these guys'....let me stop u right there. Yes....they may induce symphetic looks and feelings from you and you might even want to adopt one, but i assure you, these men are far from dumb. Unless they are medically classified as being 'retarded'....these men have just not invested all the time in trying to figure out women. In some cases you can definetly see them from a mile away. The apparent geekyness and cluelessness. But most women have encountered the undercover dim-lighted man. Yes you know him......you know him welllllllllll. He is the guy who has no clue that not all women are going to fall for his looks, his charm or anything that he thinks are his positive traits. He actually believes that once a woman speaks 5 or more sentences to him....that he is IN!!!.
Example: I met this guy. who i just thought was a nice guy. He seemed to be kinda lonely and claimed to be very shy. (notice how the trap is built). He wanted to 'hang out' with some day he said because he thought i was cool and because he wanted to experience a little more of life. Now this is right up my alley....I am all about fun. So we made arrangements to hang out. We were gonna go to a concert. The week before ...he started saying things to me like 'i hope i wont be invading your time with your friends'.....'i hope to get a dance with you if it so pleases you'....'i dont want u to think i am stalking u or anything'. I should have gotten the hint from this point on. But nooooooooooooooooooo.....i was all impressed tht the 'shy guy' was actually bold enough to say things like that. (in my mind i was thinking ...this is progress). Fast forward to the concert. He is there with a friend and i am there with a group of my girlfriends. I introduced everyone and welcomed him into the group. the night started out ok. We chit chatted between the concert and all seemed ok. Nevermind that he was kind of leechy on me....i thought he was just trying to get closer to the group without being overly obvious. You know.....like i am the buffer for the group. The main act comes on...and its a real hyper performer. Everyone is dancing and having fun. And then....................it happens....he morphs into stalker type guy. Everywhere i moved to in the audience he moved along with me. Once in a while whispering....'i am not trying to stalk u or anything ok' and then smiling brightly. (said hannibal to clarice). Somewhere in the middle of the concert....he grabs me from behind and start gyrating on my ass. with the comment 'is this how u like it?'...'u like it like this right? huh? ...you do '. Holddddddddddddddddddddd up....wait a minute! This was my final straw and i walked off and became a virtual chameleon the rest of the nite. A few days after i speak to him and express my concerns about that nite...and how i felt uncomfortable. You know that he couldnt not understand how i could say that. That he was absolutly not stalking, not making a play at me....that i was taking things out of proportion...and tht he did say that to me at the concert that he wasnt doing that.
My response: *blank stare* followed by 'block and delete' from my msn list.
* The 'ohhh baby i can rock your world in bed guy'
You know him. chances are you slept with him once. Some of you are living with him right now. He is the guy who exudes suaveness. (atleast he thinks he does). There is ofcourse the 'plain in site' version. The macho shirt, halfbuttoned with chest hair showing. The perfect coif. Nice goaty or clean shaven. The multitude of cologne that reaches your nose from across the ocean. I dont need to tell u about him. You know him well. Then ofcourse this is the undercover one. The one who seems like a nice wellbalanced guy. He kisses right. Holds your hand, compliments you at the right time and all of that jazz. His out of bed actions give u the promise of an out of the world 'between the sheets experience'. You crave for it...but he holds u off because he doesnt want to spoil you hes says. He says to you that he will rock your world and he wants to make sure u are ready for it. In some cases he builds slight insecurity in you about your own capabilities. You might even find yourself consulting your friends for new techniques. And then u finally arrive at le moment supreme.....zee bedroom scene: The adventure starts off well enough....kisses and caresses.......and then....................... something goes terribly wrong. His hand action resembles a 4 year old molesting playdough. Just when u cant endure anymore ....he starts his 'thrusting actions'.
Him: sweating, panting, moaning, asking you who's your daddy etc etc
You: Looking at him as if his hair is on fire, questioning how u got into this mess. trying to recall where the emergency exits were. Praying that a friend calls with an 'emergency'. Contemplating where he is ...cause u want to have as much fun as he does. And ofcourse the most obvious of all.........your world is perfectly solid. no rocking...not even the slightest quiver.
Ofcourse there is always the alterntive ending....the directors cut so to speak
Him: same as above
You: Stoping him abruptly...instructing him to pack up and leave.
There are more types of guys on my personal experience roster. So i shall update this soon. But please note the fine print again.
Disclaimer 1.2. : This is all in good fun and based on my ownnnnnnnnnn experiences and how i choose to categorize. its alll in good fun
Mystic
I am not making this statement based on a recent discovery. Its something i have known all along. But i tend to want to state the obvious when an experience(s) baffles me into re-affirmation of my belief.
As a woman...a heterosexual woman.....it goes without saying that i am in frequent contact with men. (pls take your mind out of the gutter...i dont sleep with everyman i speak to). Now before i continue.....let me put up the following disclaimer: I am well aware of the fact that not ALL men are complete idiots, fools, nonsensical beings worthy of the title village idiot or Hellspawn. But lawd gawd .....a vast majority of them fall into one or all of those categories.
Over the years i have made my own assesment of certain groups of men. Bear in mind that this is my own categorization based on my own experiences. However i am sure somebody reading this can relate to some of it.
*The Lights are on but nobody is home
I have met a couple of these types of guys. And before you even go 'Awww.....dont be like that to these guys'....let me stop u right there. Yes....they may induce symphetic looks and feelings from you and you might even want to adopt one, but i assure you, these men are far from dumb. Unless they are medically classified as being 'retarded'....these men have just not invested all the time in trying to figure out women. In some cases you can definetly see them from a mile away. The apparent geekyness and cluelessness. But most women have encountered the undercover dim-lighted man. Yes you know him......you know him welllllllllll. He is the guy who has no clue that not all women are going to fall for his looks, his charm or anything that he thinks are his positive traits. He actually believes that once a woman speaks 5 or more sentences to him....that he is IN!!!.
Example: I met this guy. who i just thought was a nice guy. He seemed to be kinda lonely and claimed to be very shy. (notice how the trap is built). He wanted to 'hang out' with some day he said because he thought i was cool and because he wanted to experience a little more of life. Now this is right up my alley....I am all about fun. So we made arrangements to hang out. We were gonna go to a concert. The week before ...he started saying things to me like 'i hope i wont be invading your time with your friends'.....'i hope to get a dance with you if it so pleases you'....'i dont want u to think i am stalking u or anything'. I should have gotten the hint from this point on. But nooooooooooooooooooo.....i was all impressed tht the 'shy guy' was actually bold enough to say things like that. (in my mind i was thinking ...this is progress). Fast forward to the concert. He is there with a friend and i am there with a group of my girlfriends. I introduced everyone and welcomed him into the group. the night started out ok. We chit chatted between the concert and all seemed ok. Nevermind that he was kind of leechy on me....i thought he was just trying to get closer to the group without being overly obvious. You know.....like i am the buffer for the group. The main act comes on...and its a real hyper performer. Everyone is dancing and having fun. And then....................it happens....he morphs into stalker type guy. Everywhere i moved to in the audience he moved along with me. Once in a while whispering....'i am not trying to stalk u or anything ok' and then smiling brightly. (said hannibal to clarice). Somewhere in the middle of the concert....he grabs me from behind and start gyrating on my ass. with the comment 'is this how u like it?'...'u like it like this right? huh? ...you do '. Holddddddddddddddddddddd up....wait a minute! This was my final straw and i walked off and became a virtual chameleon the rest of the nite. A few days after i speak to him and express my concerns about that nite...and how i felt uncomfortable. You know that he couldnt not understand how i could say that. That he was absolutly not stalking, not making a play at me....that i was taking things out of proportion...and tht he did say that to me at the concert that he wasnt doing that.
My response: *blank stare* followed by 'block and delete' from my msn list.
* The 'ohhh baby i can rock your world in bed guy'
You know him. chances are you slept with him once. Some of you are living with him right now. He is the guy who exudes suaveness. (atleast he thinks he does). There is ofcourse the 'plain in site' version. The macho shirt, halfbuttoned with chest hair showing. The perfect coif. Nice goaty or clean shaven. The multitude of cologne that reaches your nose from across the ocean. I dont need to tell u about him. You know him well. Then ofcourse this is the undercover one. The one who seems like a nice wellbalanced guy. He kisses right. Holds your hand, compliments you at the right time and all of that jazz. His out of bed actions give u the promise of an out of the world 'between the sheets experience'. You crave for it...but he holds u off because he doesnt want to spoil you hes says. He says to you that he will rock your world and he wants to make sure u are ready for it. In some cases he builds slight insecurity in you about your own capabilities. You might even find yourself consulting your friends for new techniques. And then u finally arrive at le moment supreme.....zee bedroom scene: The adventure starts off well enough....kisses and caresses.......and then....................... something goes terribly wrong. His hand action resembles a 4 year old molesting playdough. Just when u cant endure anymore ....he starts his 'thrusting actions'.
Him: sweating, panting, moaning, asking you who's your daddy etc etc
You: Looking at him as if his hair is on fire, questioning how u got into this mess. trying to recall where the emergency exits were. Praying that a friend calls with an 'emergency'. Contemplating where he is ...cause u want to have as much fun as he does. And ofcourse the most obvious of all.........your world is perfectly solid. no rocking...not even the slightest quiver.
Ofcourse there is always the alterntive ending....the directors cut so to speak
Him: same as above
You: Stoping him abruptly...instructing him to pack up and leave.
There are more types of guys on my personal experience roster. So i shall update this soon. But please note the fine print again.
Disclaimer 1.2. : This is all in good fun and based on my ownnnnnnnnnn experiences and how i choose to categorize. its alll in good fun
Mystic
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Dance Class
As a little girl and a teenager i took danceclasses. Several days a week i put on a leotard, pulled my hair back and walked up the steps to the dance studio. I took jazz ballet, Ballet and tap dance classes. It was pretty serious business. I started in the beginners class, then moved to the advanced class. My ambition was to be in the Adult dance company. But that never really happened. I was never really good enough for it. And in retrospect....that wasnt really where my passion was (although at the time i did think that).
I continued dancing, chasing after one of the coveted spots on in the Adult dance company. I never really got that spot. But i excelled in Tap dancing. Though the class consisted of very little people. (read 4 max), i enjoyed it. I even advanced to high-heeled tap shoes. A pinnacle moment in tap dance. I had moved up to the elite of the tap class. Nevermind that i was the only one. I was proud of my high-heels.
Somewhere around my 16th birthday i got into a car accident. The accident left me with a broken collarbone, broken jaw and several vertabre's in my spine that were moved out of place. I stopped dancing for about a year. When i finally returned to the studio, my passion for dancing had dimished dramatically. I only took tap dancing classes. The high-heels had to sit on the side lines for a while untill my back was ready to handle that kind of pressure again. I performed once more when i was 18 and then hung up my dancing shoes for good. (or so i had thought)
Fast forward to 14 years later........last night to be exact.....and i found myself in dance class again. In november i auditioned for a role in a musical. I was casted as one of the 8 lead actors in the musical. Being that it is a musical the cast has to take voice lessons AND dance lessons. During the casting meeting i got my dance schedule and was instructed to take atleast 2 classes per week. Classes range from jazz-ballet and modern dance to classical ballet. And yes.....the dances would take place at the very same studio i took danceclasses year ago. Even one of the instructers and the director from way back when were still present at the studio.
Walking into the studio with my 'dance' clothing on was a very surreal feeling. I mean, i had been there before to watch a few friends or for whatever other reason.......but now i was actually going to take class. I didnt know if i would be able to keep up with the classes. Afterall it had been 14 years. But nevertheless i was going to give this a shot.
And so the class starts....Mondern Dance was on the agenda. The dance instructor was one of those i had taken class from way back when. She welcomed me warmly and told me to not worry about not being able to follow all the steps....it would come to me in time. (uh huh....sure lady....i havent danced in so long. i am not sure the body will want to cooperate at all). So there we started ....with stretching excersizes. Good Lord, i hadnt realized i was so stiff untill i actually started stretching. The body parts collectively started filing a protest again this 'unnatural' activity. The lungs were threathening to go on strike....and i was sweating profusely. Not to mention that i was getting confused by all the movements that we had to do.
As i was struggling with my limbs and the movements, i looked around at the people in the class. Some were people i had started dance class with all those years before. Others were people that took these classes to stay to relax. And some were former proffesional dancers who wanted to keep the flame alive. This was great!....I had been worried that i would be in a class of teen over-achievers, who wanted to impress the dance lady. Instead i was in a class with people who really came to enjoy them selves and learn something new. In that instant, when i realized what was going on around me.....i relaxed. I decided to have fun with this. No pressure, no impressing the teacher, no trying to up stage the dancer next to me. Nope, just plain old enjoyment of getting my body back in movement after so long. Ok......so nevermind that i couldnt bend all the way to the floor, that i couldnt put my forhead on the floor in front of me, that my leg didnt go any higher then a 15 degree angle.........I was having fun. I had let go of all the pressures of dance class from years ago. And more importantly i had realized that i was dancing for myself and doing the best of MY abilities. Ohhhh the joys of wisdom at this age. I soooo love my 30's. Its so much more fun enjoying yourself without the pressure.
I continued on with Ballet class that nite. I stretched and plied, and releve'd and jete'd for an hour. Thouroughly enjoying the class. Ofcourse there was some discomfort...ok, ok....there was pain.....BUT.....i was having fun!!!. I am actually enjoying the sore muscles today, because i know it came from something i like to do.
Onward to another dance class next week.......!!!!
I continued dancing, chasing after one of the coveted spots on in the Adult dance company. I never really got that spot. But i excelled in Tap dancing. Though the class consisted of very little people. (read 4 max), i enjoyed it. I even advanced to high-heeled tap shoes. A pinnacle moment in tap dance. I had moved up to the elite of the tap class. Nevermind that i was the only one. I was proud of my high-heels.
Somewhere around my 16th birthday i got into a car accident. The accident left me with a broken collarbone, broken jaw and several vertabre's in my spine that were moved out of place. I stopped dancing for about a year. When i finally returned to the studio, my passion for dancing had dimished dramatically. I only took tap dancing classes. The high-heels had to sit on the side lines for a while untill my back was ready to handle that kind of pressure again. I performed once more when i was 18 and then hung up my dancing shoes for good. (or so i had thought)
Fast forward to 14 years later........last night to be exact.....and i found myself in dance class again. In november i auditioned for a role in a musical. I was casted as one of the 8 lead actors in the musical. Being that it is a musical the cast has to take voice lessons AND dance lessons. During the casting meeting i got my dance schedule and was instructed to take atleast 2 classes per week. Classes range from jazz-ballet and modern dance to classical ballet. And yes.....the dances would take place at the very same studio i took danceclasses year ago. Even one of the instructers and the director from way back when were still present at the studio.
Walking into the studio with my 'dance' clothing on was a very surreal feeling. I mean, i had been there before to watch a few friends or for whatever other reason.......but now i was actually going to take class. I didnt know if i would be able to keep up with the classes. Afterall it had been 14 years. But nevertheless i was going to give this a shot.
And so the class starts....Mondern Dance was on the agenda. The dance instructor was one of those i had taken class from way back when. She welcomed me warmly and told me to not worry about not being able to follow all the steps....it would come to me in time. (uh huh....sure lady....i havent danced in so long. i am not sure the body will want to cooperate at all). So there we started ....with stretching excersizes. Good Lord, i hadnt realized i was so stiff untill i actually started stretching. The body parts collectively started filing a protest again this 'unnatural' activity. The lungs were threathening to go on strike....and i was sweating profusely. Not to mention that i was getting confused by all the movements that we had to do.
As i was struggling with my limbs and the movements, i looked around at the people in the class. Some were people i had started dance class with all those years before. Others were people that took these classes to stay to relax. And some were former proffesional dancers who wanted to keep the flame alive. This was great!....I had been worried that i would be in a class of teen over-achievers, who wanted to impress the dance lady. Instead i was in a class with people who really came to enjoy them selves and learn something new. In that instant, when i realized what was going on around me.....i relaxed. I decided to have fun with this. No pressure, no impressing the teacher, no trying to up stage the dancer next to me. Nope, just plain old enjoyment of getting my body back in movement after so long. Ok......so nevermind that i couldnt bend all the way to the floor, that i couldnt put my forhead on the floor in front of me, that my leg didnt go any higher then a 15 degree angle.........I was having fun. I had let go of all the pressures of dance class from years ago. And more importantly i had realized that i was dancing for myself and doing the best of MY abilities. Ohhhh the joys of wisdom at this age. I soooo love my 30's. Its so much more fun enjoying yourself without the pressure.
I continued on with Ballet class that nite. I stretched and plied, and releve'd and jete'd for an hour. Thouroughly enjoying the class. Ofcourse there was some discomfort...ok, ok....there was pain.....BUT.....i was having fun!!!. I am actually enjoying the sore muscles today, because i know it came from something i like to do.
Onward to another dance class next week.......!!!!
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