In my last post i mentioned that i was compiling a 'love list'. Sort of my special order to the Universe for a love interest. To some this might sound desperate, and maybe it is. But I am at a point in my life where i don't want to 'settle' for someone anymore just for the sake of a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with substance; one where i can move forward with the person instead of trying to accommodate the person for the sake of keeping peace. When i started the list I wasn't making any progress because i was compiling it on an intellectual level. After my 'aha' moment (courtesy of a conversation with my cuz) i decided to start all over again. This list would have to be compiled from the desires of my heart. What i needed in a relationship and from the person as well.
So last nite, equipped with the laptop i started on my new list. It is absolutely true when people say that things flow when they come from the heart. Within minutes i had listed 20 things. Whereas before i couldn't get past 8. Within 45 minutes i had listed over 50 things. (the list is supposed to be at least 100). I was amazed at how easily i was compiling the list. I had to eventually stop because it was way past midnight. (i started with the list around 11.30). I found myself listing all kinds of stuff that i hadn't previously thought of or considered to be an option for me. Its interesting to see how things can just go rapidly once you tap into the core of who you. This is truly the place where your higher conscious resides.
When i finally lay down in my bed i was still thinking about all kinds of things i could put on the list. In my mind i had completed the 100 points and even surpassed this number. What a liberating feeling to have tapped into my higher conscious. It had been a while since i had done that. Of course the list was nowhere near complete but i was on the right track. As i was dozing off i remember being all excited about finishing the list and releasing it to the universe and letting go of those pent up 'wishes'. Just letting go off those 50 points gave me a small sense of peace.
Today i had to attend a workshop. I got into the workshop a little late and kind of sneaked in, mumbling my excuses. When i had finally settled into my seat, i looked up to see who was leading the workshop. What a pleasant surprise........the man talking was absolute 'eye candy'. Wow! i had forgotten about the good work that the Lord does. :). Of course being a single woman confronted with 'eye candy', i did a quick scan of his hands to see if there was a wedding band. There was none. But i didn't rejoice at this, for there are many men who are in relationships and just not married. And i simply could not believe that this man would be single. Then i started to wonder if the universe was working in overtime to grant me my request. Slight panic...i mean....how could the universe grant a request when it was half formulated. And after all i knew nothing about this man except that he was good looking, funny, intelligent and seemingly sane. (observing people and making personality assessments are intricate parts of my job).
I had to stop myself from this thinking though. Actually i reprimanded myself. What on earth was wrong with me? Had my overt desire and 'desperation' (i use this term loosely) for a relationship gone of the deep end?. Then i started obsessing about that fact. That i always seem to do that when i see someone with potential. So to stop myself from going overboard and subsequently missing the whole point of the workshop, i started rationalizing the situation.
Now for me, rationalizing in this type of situation usually means that i start to take myself out of the equation. I started to look around in the room at some of my other single colleagues who i am sure had also noticed the things i had noticed about the man. The i proceeded to talk myself out of being worthy enough to be noticed, because i started to compare myself. 'he wont even notice me because so and so has a great sense of fashion. i mean look how she is dressed.' OR 'so and so has a beautiful face and carries herself extremely well even though she is full figured. and besides who could resist an ass like hers. (its huge)'. After a while of doing this i realized what i was doing. I was already putting myself down, taking myself out of the equation in a HYPOTHETICAL situation. I mean really!!! we were at a workshop. The man is there to work, not to find a date. And there is certainly no need to put myself down because i am positive that i have great qualities and am just as attractive as anyone else in the room.
I seem to do this every time i see someone i like or who sparks my interest. I sabotage myself before anything has even happened. Subsequently i am employing the law of attraction to bring forth disappointment. And that is when it hit me......another 'Aha' moment. My train of thought in these situations, create negative expectations that are bound to be manifested. Not to mention that i have an overactive imagination. I realized that i desired to be in a relationship more then i had been willing to admit. Hmm........food for thought again. I certainly don't want to become one of those women who are so desperate for love and attention that it is written all over their face.
Like the title of my blog states....i am going through the phases of my own uniquity. And with that comes introspect, admittance and new choices on how to handle things. Its great to know that you can choose a different option. But it is even greater to go through the process and grow from it. yayyyy me. I am not out of the woods yet, but i am definitely learning how to build a 'path to the clearing' without having to worry that it will be erased.
I will be working some more on the list tonight. This time with an even deeper sense of self and consciousness. Should be interesting to see what other things my heart desire brings forth.
Mystic
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