So.....i have been single for a while now. Had a stint with a guy for a little while last year. But that is a story for another post. Back to present: been single for a while but have been talking to someone i met a few weeks ago.
I was organizing a surprise for a friend and his company was providing one of the services for the surprise. We had been discussing the details back and forth on the phone during the days leading up to the surprise. All the conversations were professional up until the day of the surprise itself. About an hour before the event, he calls to inform me of some issues at his company that might delay him being able to provide the services. Of course this annoys me but i maintain my professional calm and explain to him that it is imperative that he 'get his act together'. He assures me that he is going to do his utmost best to ensure that all goes according to plan. Just i am about to hang out he tells me that i have a 'nice voice'. I thank him for the compliment (my momma raised me right )....and don't really see any reason to elaborate.
He on the other hand continues to ask questions of a personal nature to which i give short answers to.
Him: so are you single?
Me: No, i am Fed Up
Him: so does that mean you are single?
Me: Like i said, i am fed up.
Him: Wow i cant believe your single. (o_O)
The conversation goes on with him saying that he is in the stage of his life where he is 'looking' again and would like to get to know me. I am hesitant at first but the i remember a friend saying to me a while back that i shouldn't shun men simply because i have been hurt in the past. So i eventually i agree to go out to dinner with him.
Now this guy is a complete departure from the men i have dated and been with in the past. He is a big guy, and by big i mean he is overweight. At this point, i was confronted with my superficial side. All my life i have made it a point to not be superficial and judgmental about people. But now i was being both of those things. In the week leading up to our dinner date i found myself thinking about reasons why i couldn't see myself with him even if we hit it off. I hated myself for siting his weight as one of those reasons. It's at this point in time that i decided to face the mirror ineptly and ask myself 'What do i really want'.
Prior to speaking to this man i was in the oh so familiar rut of the single woman. Wishing that i had a man, wanting to be in a relationship and all that jazz. Now here is a man who has made it clear that he is looking for a relationship. No player status, no lines, just an honest person making his wishes know honestly and clearly. And yet i found myself hesitant. Because i refuse to be shallow i dug deeper to figure out what was going on with me.
After long introspect, a dinner date with enlightening conversation and further observations about this guy and myself i have come to this conclusion: I don't really want a relationship. And in particular i don't want the type of relationship he is looking for.
He wants to have more children and have the family life. He has expressed his desire to be a family man and wants to be married and have the whole shebang. I on the other hand am not certain (90%) that i want more children and am not sure i want this type of family life. I am pretty contented with the way i am at the moment. I have a good job, a 12-year old son who is awesome and the relative freedom to live my life the way i please.
Am i wrong for shutting down this mans advances? I don't think so. At least not for how i see my future relationship. I don't really fancy going back into the 'diaper phase' the 'terrible two's' and the kiddie birthday parties. I am finally at a stage in parenting where my child is pretty much self sufficient and i can sleep longer then 5am . Perhaps it is selfish but that is the way i feel now.
I haven't relayed this to the man in question yet. (haven't been in contact with him that often over the week and don't think it is appropriate to do this over the phone). But i will be doing so when we meet for drinks later this week.
Though i hated the phase of superficiality, i am happy that i was confronted with it. If i hadn't sat down and thought about it, i would have never realized that i am just not ready for a relationship and all it entails.
Mystic.
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