The many categories of men

Ok...so we have known for quite some time (eternity actually) that men are a totally different species from women. If u are suprised to read this...then chances are u have been living in a cave for the past millenia.

I am not making this statement based on a recent discovery. Its something i have known all along. But i tend to want to state the obvious when an experience(s) baffles me into re-affirmation of my belief.

As a woman...a heterosexual woman.....it goes without saying that i am in frequent contact with men. (pls take your mind out of the gutter...i dont sleep with everyman i speak to). Now before i continue.....let me put up the following disclaimer: I am well aware of the fact that not ALL men are complete idiots, fools, nonsensical beings worthy of the title village idiot or Hellspawn. But lawd gawd .....a vast majority of them fall into one or all of those categories.

Over the years i have made my own assesment of certain groups of men. Bear in mind that this is my own categorization based on my own experiences. However i am sure somebody reading this can relate to some of it.

*The Lights are on but nobody is home
I have met a couple of these types of guys. And before you even go 'Awww.....dont be like that to these guys'....let me stop u right there. Yes....they may induce symphetic looks and feelings from you and you might even want to adopt one, but i assure you, these men are far from dumb. Unless they are medically classified as being 'retarded'....these men have just not invested all the time in trying to figure out women. In some cases you can definetly see them from a mile away. The apparent geekyness and cluelessness. But most women have encountered the undercover dim-lighted man. Yes you know him......you know him welllllllllll. He is the guy who has no clue that not all women are going to fall for his looks, his charm or anything that he thinks are his positive traits. He actually believes that once a woman speaks 5 or more sentences to him....that he is IN!!!.

Example: I met this guy. who i just thought was a nice guy. He seemed to be kinda lonely and claimed to be very shy. (notice how the trap is built). He wanted to 'hang out' with some day he said because he thought i was cool and because he wanted to experience a little more of life. Now this is right up my alley....I am all about fun. So we made arrangements to hang out. We were gonna go to a concert. The week before ...he started saying things to me like 'i hope i wont be invading your time with your friends'.....'i hope to get a dance with you if it so pleases you'....'i dont want u to think i am stalking u or anything'. I should have gotten the hint from this point on. But nooooooooooooooooooo.....i was all impressed tht the 'shy guy' was actually bold enough to say things like that. (in my mind i was thinking ...this is progress). Fast forward to the concert. He is there with a friend and i am there with a group of my girlfriends. I introduced everyone and welcomed him into the group. the night started out ok. We chit chatted between the concert and all seemed ok. Nevermind that he was kind of leechy on me....i thought he was just trying to get closer to the group without being overly obvious. You know.....like i am the buffer for the group. The main act comes on...and its a real hyper performer. Everyone is dancing and having fun. And then....................it happens....he morphs into stalker type guy. Everywhere i moved to in the audience he moved along with me. Once in a while whispering....'i am not trying to stalk u or anything ok' and then smiling brightly. (said hannibal to clarice). Somewhere in the middle of the concert....he grabs me from behind and start gyrating on my ass. with the comment 'is this how u like it?'...'u like it like this right? huh? ...you do '. Holddddddddddddddddddddd up....wait a minute! This was my final straw and i walked off and became a virtual chameleon the rest of the nite. A few days after i speak to him and express my concerns about that nite...and how i felt uncomfortable. You know that he couldnt not understand how i could say that. That he was absolutly not stalking, not making a play at me....that i was taking things out of proportion...and tht he did say that to me at the concert that he wasnt doing that.
My response: *blank stare* followed by 'block and delete' from my msn list.

* The 'ohhh baby i can rock your world in bed guy'
You know him. chances are you slept with him once. Some of you are living with him right now. He is the guy who exudes suaveness. (atleast he thinks he does). There is ofcourse the 'plain in site' version. The macho shirt, halfbuttoned with chest hair showing. The perfect coif. Nice goaty or clean shaven. The multitude of cologne that reaches your nose from across the ocean. I dont need to tell u about him. You know him well. Then ofcourse this is the undercover one. The one who seems like a nice wellbalanced guy. He kisses right. Holds your hand, compliments you at the right time and all of that jazz. His out of bed actions give u the promise of an out of the world 'between the sheets experience'. You crave for it...but he holds u off because he doesnt want to spoil you hes says. He says to you that he will rock your world and he wants to make sure u are ready for it. In some cases he builds slight insecurity in you about your own capabilities. You might even find yourself consulting your friends for new techniques. And then u finally arrive at le moment supreme.....zee bedroom scene: The adventure starts off well enough....kisses and caresses.......and then....................... something goes terribly wrong. His hand action resembles a 4 year old molesting playdough. Just when u cant endure anymore ....he starts his 'thrusting actions'.
Him: sweating, panting, moaning, asking you who's your daddy etc etc
You: Looking at him as if his hair is on fire, questioning how u got into this mess. trying to recall where the emergency exits were. Praying that a friend calls with an 'emergency'. Contemplating where he is ...cause u want to have as much fun as he does. And ofcourse the most obvious of all.........your world is perfectly solid. no rocking...not even the slightest quiver.
Ofcourse there is always the alterntive ending....the directors cut so to speak
Him: same as above
You: Stoping him abruptly...instructing him to pack up and leave.

There are more types of guys on my personal experience roster. So i shall update this soon. But please note the fine print again.
Disclaimer 1.2. : This is all in good fun and based on my ownnnnnnnnnn experiences and how i choose to categorize. its alll in good fun

Mystic